On a quiet side street in Evanston, Carlos Briones and Richard Rykhus live with their 7-year-old son Ty’rith (Ty).  A couple for eleven years, Richard and Carlos held a commitment ceremony for 120 family and friends in July 2005. “We wanted to tell the world that we are committed to one another,” says Carlos. “It was important to make a statement that our love was permanent, lasting.”

During a visit to Richard’s parents a few months later, Carlos and Richard were married in Canada. Now, they make a point of calling one another “husband.”

“I think it is crucial for me to identify Carlos as my husband,” says Richard. “The word ‘partner’ never has worked for me – it sounds so transactional. We are not in a business relationship. We are in a life-long committed relationship.”

Carlos, who teaches philosophy at a local college, says that early in each semester, he lets his students know that he is married.  Still, Carlos says, “I find that I have to force myself to use the word ‘husband’ to describe Richard.  It is not that I don’t think of him as my husband. But I always feel that I have to add an explanation that we were married in Canada, and the marriage isn’t recognized in Illinois. That seems wrong.”

Richard was reminded that his marriage isn’t recognized recently when he found himself in a hospital emergency room.  Even after he told her that Carlos and he were married, a nurse wrote Carlos’ name on Richard’s wristband as “partner.” Although in pain, Richard stopped the nurse and insisted that she write “husband.”

“It may seem like a small thing,” Richard adds. “It is not.  I want my love and my relationship to be acknowledged and respected.”

Carlos and Richard share a love of education.  Recently, Richard saw that he could make a difference in the local elementary schools by running for the local school board. He was elected, and now finds the work to be rewarding and fulfilling. His position also gives the entire family a chance to give back to the community.

Richard and Carlos want their marriage recognized – especially as their son Ty matures.  Carlos says that occasionally they will ask Ty what he wants to do when he grows up. Inevitably, like many 7-year-olds, Ty reports that he wants to marry the latest female pop singer. “That is normal,” says Carlos. “We grow up wanting to marry the person we love.  For me that is Richard.”
 

Next: Danielle & Suzie

When they first met, Suzanna Hutton and Danielle Cook could not imagine that they would be spending the rest of their lives together.  Teachers in Bloomington, Illinois, Suzie says that she and Danielle were almost “complete opposites.” After more than a decade together, now they want to have the dignity of being recognized as married in their home state. They have celebrated their love and relationship with friends and family members through a commitment ceremony.  And, in June of 2011, they entered into a civil union.

Danielle and Suzie both feel that the civil union “falls short” of being married, sometimes because it is not respected and often because it is not understood by others. Suzie notes, for example, that when she goes to a doctor’s office, a dentist office or another professional service, she is exasperated by the forms she is asked to fill out.

These forms ask the patients or customers to designate whether they are married, single, widowed or divorced – the expected and easily recognizable choices. But, Suzie notes, a year after civil unions became the law of the land in Illinois there is no place to record their civil union relationship status.

Maybe more troubling is that many people – even well-educated and well-intentioned people – don’t always know how to react to someone with a civil union. In the schools where Suzie and Danielle both now work, teachers gather to welcome new staff and celebrate births and weddings.   At the end of the 2010-2011 school year, a well-intentioned staff member stumbled over trying to announce that "Suzie was getting a...having a...civil union something." In the fall of 2011, a staff member at Danielle's school also had trouble wording the civil union announcement. Not knowing what to do and without any advance planning, Suzie and Danielle reached for the same tool – humor. They both followed the mixed response by saying that now their relationship was “civilized.” The line was met with laughter.

“Our relationship status should not be the source of laughter,” says Danielle. “We love and care for one another. We share good news and bad news, happiness and sadness. We deserve to be treated with the dignity that only marriage affords.”

“That is why being married matters so much,” she adds.

For Suzie, being married also matters. “Both of my parents are Methodist ministers,” she says. “I know that they want me to be married to the person that I love, to the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.”

“Marriage is just the expectation that we were raised with – and I want it for myself,” she adds.

Next: Kirsten & Tanya

The picture speaks volumes. One look at the photo of Kirsten and Tanya Lyonsford with their two children, Andrea and Zachary, and you know they are a family that belongs together. Tanya and Kirsten have known they were right for one another since almost the first moment that they met, during a September 1999 mandatory diversity training program for AT&T, for whom they worked at the time.

During a game called “Diversity Bingo,” Tanya and Kirsten both chose the gay/lesbian box.  That public revelation led to a date, a strong friendship and then a deeper relationship.  In October 2002, Kirsten and Tanya held a commitment ceremony – a Christian wedding ceremony – including family, friends and colleagues.  For Tanya, it was moving that her 84-year-old grandfather not only attended (even though he didn’t know she was a lesbian until he got the announcement), but that he made a point of saying that he was there to represent Tanya’s late grandmother. It was painful, however, that after that ceremony and all its joy, Kirsten and Tanya heard some say that their celebration was nice “but not legal.”

Tanya and Kirsten bought a home in Aurora in 2002. They now have been joined in that home by Zachary and Andrea. Even the casual observer notes that Kirsten and Tanya are attentive parents – they focus their attention on their children, read regularly with them, take Andrea to running club and other activities and attend church with the two children weekly.

To show others that they are a couple, Kirsten and Tanya have legally changed their last names so they are the same.

“We are a family,” says Kirsten. “We love one another. We love our children. We have built a life together where we are responsible to one another and for one another. “

“We simply want the ability to marry, to share that respect and recognition with every other married couple who shares the joys and pains of going through life together,” she adds.

“It also is important for Andrea and Zachary that we are able to marry,” says Tanya. “We brought them into our family, because we wanted them to have the security of a loving and stable family that cares and loves one another.”

“We want to be able to tell them as they mature that their parents are married, and that the entire world recognizes the love and bond that we feel,” she says.
 

Next: Ed & Gary